By JACK REED Oct. 22, 2017

Inebriated student Matt Snyder replicated Euclid’s ‘Golden Ratio’ in the Ladd House bathroom last weekend. According to one student, it resulted in “a fucking mess.”

For decades, Math majors and other sexless intellectuals have tried to perfect what is, perhaps, Euclid’s most notable contribution to our understanding of the modern party bathroom. Until Snyder, nobody had come close to a proper recreation of Euclid’s work.

“Well, in all honesty, I’m usually a peeing with the seat up, stream down the side of the bowl kind of guy—tidy stuff,” said Snyder when asked about his methods, “but that night, my bladder was at critical mass, and there was this first-year from Hyde who was totally hogging the toilet, puking or blacking out or whatever. I couldn’t risk another public urination charge, so I had no other choice but to barge in there, unzip, close my eyes, and let the spirit of Euclid take the reins.”

Snyder can be found in most College House basements applying Thales’ Theorem to kegs or arranging beer pong cups according to Pascal’s Triangle.