By DAVID FIX Oct. 24, 2017

Although reclusive first year student Steve Johnson often feels uncomfortable during intimate, excrement-related interactions, he recently found himself in one of these unfortunate situations with a football player from down the hall. “I typically avoid putting myself in awkward and vulnerable positions,” Johnson admitted, “but you know, shit happens.”

Johnson continued,  “I walked into the bathroom, and, as soon as I took a whiff, I knew I was not alone. Usually, I would have left, constipated myself, and come back later, but this time it was very clear: I would have to embark upon that seemingly endless journey into the vacant stall, strategically place toilet paper onto the seat, and sit down. After a few minutes, grunting emanated from both of us, and, in our excremental harmony, I realized we weren’t so different, him and I. Immediately following the culminations of our fecal journeys, our feet touched in the space under the wall and I realized that maybe we’re more alike than I had ever thought.

Reflecting on the experience, Johnson noted, “even though we have virtually nothing else in common, in that moment, we were just two of God’s creatures, shitting our brains out, and that was enough for us. I will never forget those five minutes with Greg. Best five minutes of my life.”