By DANIEL RALSTON Oct. 29, 2017

In a recent development, Bowdoin IT has blocked all online pornography sites. “All these different fetishes have just gotten really annoying,” says Bowdoin IT Director Fukan Richard. “I couldn’t keep up; first it was foot fetishes, now we’ve started seeing searches for polar bears dominating mules. I just had to block it all, otherwise it would have consumed me.”

This move has not been popular with the student body. At first, faculty noticed that male students seemed to be carrying Milky Way bars in their pockets.  A few days later, irritability, tenseness, and fidgetiness ensued. “One dude was fishing around in his pocket for at least an hour during a gender studies class,” one student observed.

“Look, I’m not twelve, I’m not gonna just wack off to my own thoughts,” said disgruntled sophomore Brian Kallens. “This is a serious crisis for all men, and I guess women too, although I have no fucking idea how they even do that.” Many students have been pitching tents outside of the President’s office in protest.

Still, the move has been welcomed by the Bowdoin Art Museum, which is planning on having a new exhibit on Historic European Erotic Painters. “What a great time to put to use those single person non-binary bathrooms!” said one curator.