By JACOB BASKES Oct. 28, 2017

While visiting her daughter during Family Weekend, Mariah Aarons attempted to relive her college days by spending all of Saturday in the Hawthorne-Longfellow library.

Aarons attended Cornell University, where she went to a total of three and a half parties. The remainder of her weekends were spent holed up in the library, a practice she repeated while visiting her daughter this weekend. “Family Weekend is a great time to reminisce about what we parents loved the most about college,” said Aarons. “For example, like, staying up until 5:00 AM to finish a civics paper.”

Security reported that when they attempted to remove Aarons from the library, she vomited immediately. “I always loved pulling that one at Cornell,” said the post doctorate mother of three. “They’d say it was closing time and I’d make myself throw up, and while they waited for somebody to come and check on me, I’d crank out another paragraph or two.”

Sophomore Sofia Aarons, who has twenty nine presentations, sixty papers, and four hundred and three exams to study for next week, is excited to be spending so much of Family Weekend with her mother.