By SAM HALPERT Nov. 13, 2017
Recent reports indicate that local man Peter Franzen has made the active choice to abstain from sexual intercourse until divorce.
Many of Franzen’s friends are confused by his declaration, especially given the absence of any good reason for it. “I understand that some people abstain for religious reasons,” said Mark Heisterkamp, one of Franzen’s friends, “but Peter is a staunch atheist. There’s really no reason I can think of that he would need to do this. Totally voluntary and, honestly, totally unnecessary.”
“You see, honeys love a virgin,” Franzen explained. “And, you see, honeys also love a good divorcé. I’m thinking I clock a solid fifteen, twenty years of a loveless, celibate marriage and then book my one-way ticket to the bone zone. I’ll be irresistible.”
Franzen also reasons that celibacy will benefit his post-marriage prospects as he avoids having any offspring. “You see, what honeys really don’t love is alimony payments,” he stated.
Franzen was last seen purchasing a promise ring in preparation for one of the biggest long-cons of the century. He plans for the wedding to occur in June and that he will lose his virginity in the fall of 2038.