By ELIZA JEVON Nov. 14, 2017

When Super Senior Jeremy Winston walked out of his Maine polling station on Wednesday, a sticker glistened on his chest. He had voted. He has served his country.

However, when discussing the recent November 7th elections with Liz Gallagher, the first-year girl he hooked up with last weekend, he learned of some alarming news. Gallagher, while a stalwart American citizen, was not eligible to vote. Liz Gallagher was not only too young, but a startling eight years younger than he was.

Winston is not a typical super senior. He repeated a year of high school, took a PG year so that he could play lacrosse in college, and during his sophomore year at Bowdoin, got caught dangling a first-year from the Baxter balcony, adding an additional semester to his Bowdoin career.

Analysts calculated that these setbacks would make Winston twenty-five years old, eight years older than seventeen-year-old Gallagher, who skipped the fourth grade. To put this in perspective, a renowned sociologist explained, “While Liz was slow dancing at her first bar mitzvah, Jeremy was having a threesome at his 21st birthday party.” 

A teammate of Winston’s told reporters, “He should’ve known something was up. I mean, she didn’t know what Tamagotchi was, her favorite magazine is Teen Vogue, and Ariana Grande is her ‘absolute idol.’”

When asked about the age-discrepancy, Gallagher responded, “Age is just a social construct; the monster that is societal repression. Age is no determinant of love. Look at Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.”

Like many other Super Seniors, Winston’s goal was to surpass the “Bowdoin Seven,” a highly prized decoration earned by hooking up with a member from each class during one’s four years at Bowdoin, and achieve the “Bowdoin Eight.”

For all future hookups, Winston plans to ask for some sort of identification first, and suggests that all other Super Seniors follow his lead.