By ELIZA JEVON Nov. 17, 2017

On October 31st, the men of the Bowdoin Outing Club collectively shaved their entire bodies to start anew for “No-Shave November.” Since then, the entire drainage system has been clogged, and no one has been able to flush, wash their hands, or take a shower.

“It’s a plumbing catastrophe,” said President Clayton Rose. The facilities team is hard at work clearing the drains, and predict that it will take another week to clear out all the hair.

Another drain expert described the issue as “a wooly mammoth trying to pass through a milelong pipe.”

When reporters asked the BOC why such drastic shaving measures were necessary, a spokesperson for the organization responded, “We need to test our beard-growing speed–we need to see how much hair we can truly grow when we start freshly waxed.”

The BOC spokesperson continued, “Beards are so versatile. We can keep warm during the cold, store leftover food, and make ourselves more welcoming among our fellow furry brethren. We also find beards useful for stroking when we ponder whether or not to take next year off to go backpacking in New Zealand.”

Rumors are circulating, however, that the shaving is not just part of “No-Shave November,” but yet another BOC conspiracy to avoid using energy. Some Bowdoin students cry out that this is nothing more than “a forced movement for outdoors defecation.” One BOC member retorted, “There’s nothing I like more than the crisp November air on my buttocks!”

Many of the students on campus are constipated, filthy, and taking over the Brunswick motels. Officials worry that if this hairy situation is not solved soon, students may begin to flock as far away as Portland to shit and shower.