By ETHAN BEVINGTON Nov. 27, 2017

Having spent all his Polar Points on buffalo chicken wraps, Henry McGowan ‘19 has taken out a home equity loan on his Brunswick Apartment.

“I didn’t want things to end up like this,” said McGowan. “I thought going to the Pub would just be a once-a-week kind of thing, but the dining menus just weren’t doing it for me and here we are.” McGowan continued, “I am really grateful to the Bath Savings Institute. If it weren’t for them, I would be suffering through another London Broil at Thorne.”

“I have never seen such a shit-hole in all my life,” said Sandra Forestall, a loan officer at the Bath Savings Institute, upon entering Brunswick D3. “The floor boards in the apartment are so old that we were able to use the different layers of beer to date them back to the 18th century. Those walls have seen several births. Alex also has no credit history and wore a shirt that said ‘This Guy Needs a Beer.’ His dad is a hedge fund manager though so we gave him the loan. ”