By ARCHER THOMAS Dec. 10, 2017
For almost everybody, Christmas is about giving. Everybody, that is, except the Jolly Old Elf himself, St. Nicolas, who recently declared in an op-ed in the North Pole Journal that “fiscal responsibility is the greatest gift one can receive” and that bloated holiday spending has turned low-income children into “welfare ho-ho-hoes.”
This December 25th, Santa pledged that he will give poor kids only gifts that are significantly shittier than the cool toys rich kids get. According to the North Pole press office, these shittier gifts will include socks, un-trendy dolls, pre-used Furbies that only know profanities, and toy cars that you are pretty sure have lead paint on them, among other let-me-downs that will both encourage the entrepreneurial spirit within children and remind them that there “ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.”
Meanwhile, Santa assured the world that gifts for wealthy children will “not depreciate in quality, and may even get better considering the money these cost-cutting measures will save us.” He added that “there’s even a special treat for the children of NFL team owners and hedge fund managers. Did someone say diamond-encrusted fidget spinners?” The Harpoon confirms that nobody said that.
Father Christmas also debuted a new program to double the number of misbehaved children by 2020 in order to save the coal industry. According to official North Pole policy, human-caused climate change is a lie perpetrated by “very naughty” scientists “in league with the Easter Bunny and his enviro-communist message.”
This recent change in heart, coinciding with a large arms deal between the Trump Administration and the North Pole in order to wage the increasingly bloody War on Christmas, was met with condemnation from around the world. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, a neighbor of Santa, has threatened to block access to the Gumdrop Forest, an area vital to the North Pole’s national economic interest. Juha Sipilä, Finnish prime minister and a key ally of Santa, also commented on St. Nick’s actions, but unfortunately because he was speaking Finnish we will never know what he said.