Newest Season of the Bachelor Only Thing Keeping Freshman Floor Together


Multiple sources have reported that the only thing preventing the first floor of Maine Hall from completely falling apart is the 22nd season of The Bachelor.

This season of ABC’s hit romance reality series features Arie Luyendyk Jr., the thirty-six year old returning for his second shot at love, as the eligible bachelor. Every Monday at 8/7 Central the occupants of Maine 1st pack the common room for 41 minutes to watch the show and distract themselves from the fact that they actually fucking despise each other.

“It was so crazy last week when Bekah finally told Arie that she’s only twenty-two,” commented Jessica Branscombe. “My roommate and I haven’t stopped talking about it. It’s kind of nice since she hasn’t really been speaking to me since I hooked up with a guy in her bed last semester.”

“I feel so bad for Annaliese! She had to go on a date involving dogs even though she is deathly afraid of dogs because of a traumatic childhood incident,” said Arnold Spence. “We all don’t think that’s fair. Overall though, I really like watching The Bachelor because it brings us all together and finally gets Jessica to just shut the fuck up for once.”

Other sources have indicated that the floor is excited to see who Arie gives a rose to next week, and even more excited to not have to live in the same place as these people next year.

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