By SAM HALPERT Jan. 30, 2018

Upon receiving Chief Registrar Martina Duncan’s email yesterday, sophomore
Katherine Jarvis mounted a table in Thorne and loudly declared a Mathematics and
Asian Studies double major to the student body.

“Yeah, this week has been pretty shitty for us here in Thorne,” noted Arthur Burrell,
Dining Hall Shift Manager. “A bunch of arrogant sophomores have been comin’ in
here asking for bull horns and such so they can declare their majors, acting like
someone cares about their niche combination of academic interests. I just don’t have
the heart to tell them no one cares. They might as well be on WBOR.”

After surveying the stunned crowd in Thorne at 1:15 PM on Tuesday, Jarvis took a
deep breath and summoned a last ounce of resolve to declare a minor in
Archeology, but less loudly so as to indicate a subordinate level of commitment
when compared to the majors.

“I’m not really sure of the ins and outs of this process, but it felt right,” said Jarvis. “I
felt like Leonidas in the movie ‘300’ when he yells ‘This is Sparta!’ and then kicks
that dude into the Pit of Death. Except I yelled ‘Archeology!’ and then kicked my
friend Jenny into her bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats.”