By JACOB BASKES Feb. 5, 2018

After the Patriots’ 41-33 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LII, residents of Bowker house invited a large group of friends to finish their homework before Monday morning classes. 

Around 10:30 pm on Sunday night, Bowker residents sent text messages to teammates and friends, calling the event “a nice, academic way to close out your weekend.” Many students attended the event, claiming spots at tables in order to spread out their work and profess how little they care about sports anyway. “I was quizzing my roommate on Spanish vocab, and he was nailing everything,” said one sophomore baseball player. “We stayed at that table for hours because of him. I’m super proud, partially because I have nothing else to be proud of at this point. A nine-yard pass with thirteen seconds on the clock? Seriously?”

“The atmosphere is really why I go and study at Bowker,” said a senior on the Women’s Lacrosse Team. “The lights were bright, there was plenty of coffee, and these guys really know their ambient piano music. It’s almost like that fumble late in the fourth quarter didn’t cost us the game.”

Brunswick Police Department officers were called to the scene after a neighbor reported the residence as “disturbingly quiet.” Students were asked to quickly zip up their backpacks and return to their dorms around midnight in order to guarantee a full night’s rest before 8:30 am classes. The officers asked all students to pour out their green water bottles before departing. “I understand it,” said one student who had been reviewing notes for Principles of Macroeconomics. “But I was just trying to get ahead, you know? My buddies and I were like one bullet point away from understanding the Keynesian model of the economy.” After concluding his interview, the student proceeded to scream a series of expletives into the abdomen of a life-sized Tom Brady pillow while Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt played on repeat.

According to residents of the off-campus house, the study session had been planned well in advance, with no intention of it being any kind of celebration whatsoever.