By DAVID FIX Feb. 13, 2018

Did you know that I can ride my bike without using either one of my two hands? Well, I can. And there are people out there who cannot even ride a bike using both hands, you know, so it is pretty wild that I can ride without using any hands, don’t you think? I mean, it is not like I prefer to ride my bike without using any hands, but I can ride my bike without using any hands. People say that I’m flexing too hard but it is just more of a convenience thing, you know?

While riding my bike, I am somehow always doing something that requires both of my hands— whether it be waving to all of my soon-to-be-friends around campus, taking selfie videos of myself ridin’ dirty (as they say), or holding my own hand in an attempt to fill the seemingly bottomless void of loneliness and coldness that I carry inside of me everywhere I go—and so it is just really convenient that I am able to ride my bike without using either one of my hands, even though I have two.

If you really want, I could try and teach you how to ride your own bike without using any of your own hands, since I know how to do it myself. It takes a certain amount of natural ability, so I don’t know if you’ll be able to do it, but why not give it a shot, right? I mean, I did, and look where I am! You don’t believe me? No, really, I can ride my bike without using any of my hands, Mom. Please watch me, I really can!