By JACOB BASKES Feb. 19, 2018

The results of a recent study show that eleven percent of seniors at Bowdoin have used cocaine. So… anyone know where I can get some of the stuff?

Additionally, 3.6 percent of juniors, four percent of sophomores, and ninety-six percent of first-years have used the drug at least once in the past. Published in the Bowdoin Orient on Friday, the findings sparked much discussion around campus. But really, all I’ve been wondering is why I’ve never had the chance to cut some fat lines.

The Orient’s report revolved around the anonymity of the drug, hinting at the stigma surrounding cocaine. If I were able to get my hands on some coke, however, I’d probably make sure everybody knew. I’d be like Andy Samberg in that SNL digital short. I’d stand on the balcony of Baxter and yell to anyone leaving Supers that I was just absolutely toasted. And also that I had some coke.

Additionally, the study found that eighty-three percent of students have used alcohol in their time at Bowdoin. As excited as I would be about some Grade A Colombian Blow, alcohol is where I draw the line. I don’t feel comfortable putting my body through that sort of chemical stress. Have you heard what alcohol does to your brain? It ruins it. Turns it into pulp. You know how some orange juice has extra pulp? Yeah, that extra pulp comes from the brains of people who have tried alcohol. It’s dangerous, I’m telling you.

But for real though, do any of you have like a phone number or anything I could have? I’m really into this idea.