It’s a Miracle! Hockey Team Acquitted

By SAM HALPERT Feb. 21, 2018

In a shocking turn of events, the entire Men’s Hockey team was acquitted Wednesday morning. The jury deliberated for just over two weeks before handing down the surprise verdict.

The trial concluded several days later than expected after the team was held in contempt of court for repeatedly yelling, “Free Brady!” in response to questions during cross-examination instead of pleading the Fifth.

The proceedings weighed heavily upon the team (8-15), as the trial cut into practice time. Team captain Miles Brenner observed, “It is especially difficult to balance school work and preparing testimony. Prep school hockey never prepared me to deal with the consequences of my actions.”

In a controversial move, the team took out a loan on Watson Arena to make bail. Intramural hockey team The Motherpuckers (15-8) appealed the decision to Bowdoin Athletics, but was assured the decision was in the best interest of the College. “It would be nice to be treated as a real team for once,” said Motherpuckers captain Amina Gordon.

The verdict arrived just as the regular season was coming to a close. The team celebrated with a round of golf.

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