By LIAM JUSKEVICE Mar. 1, 2018

A red squirrel was seen chewing on a freaking pine cone on campus today. Most Bowdoin students are likely familiar with the eastern gray squirrel, (Squirrelus isgrayeastus), but red squirrels, (Squirrelus redicus) are a less common sight. So uncommon on campus that we wrote an article about seeing one.

Red squirrels and gray squirrels seem rather similar at face value. However, there are some crucial differences. For one, red squirrels are like, red. And gray squirrels on the other hand are gray. Red squirrels typically have a tail that is around 11.5 cm long. Gray squirrels’ tails measure an average of 13 cm long. Red squirrels are champions of the working class. Gray squirrels like listening to Bob Dylan on rainy days. That should reliably distinguish them most of the time. Why are gray squirrels so much more common on campus than red squirrels? Keith Lawson, junior Bio major and squirrel ethnographer at Bowdoin might just have the answer.

“You see, gray squirrels and red squirrels don’t get along very well. Originally, they were united under one flag, but specially charged disputes over eventually led to a civil war. In squirrel world the Bowdoin campus is a gray squirrel stronghold, one of their safest places in an otherwise vicious war. The fact that a red squirrel has set foot in this stronghold signals that some shit is about to go down.”

A Bowdoin student was recently knocked unconscious by a bombardment of pine cones. Is this a preview of things to come? Will civilian casualties worsen as this civil war escalates? What will happen with the rise of gray nationalism? What is the role of the liberal media in all of this? Truly, Bowdoin students have many reasons to be concerned so watch your fucking back.