By JACOB BASKES Mar. 5, 2018
In a move that silenced many critics, the NRA officially changed its name last week to the National AR-15 Association, clarifying where its true interests lie.
Following yet another recent mass shooting, what was at one point the NRA finally became very active in clarifying its purpose as an organization: to protect the constitutionally-defined right of all Americans who the NRA sees fit to own weapons that can shred the human body to pieces in mere seconds. Speakers from the gunowners association gave press conferences, attended rallies, mocked the media, and stoned to death any anti-gun activists.
“We really didn’t want to get to the point where we had to execute anybody, but we did it in the most brutal, cowardly, and unnecessarily dangerous way imaginable,” read a statement from the NRA after a fourth Huffington Post journalist was found dead in a canvas sack on the White House lawn. “It’s shocking to us at this point that civilians have such easy and unrestricted access to rocks. It is unbelievable; rocks are incredibly dangerous, especially if they’re sharp or heavy. Or both.”
On Tuesday, it was announced on Twitter that the National Rifle Association would become the National AR-15 Association. According to a later statement by the organization, potential alternative names were the National Paranoia Association, the National “Don’t You Dare Talk Back To Me Or I’ll Shoot You In The Face” Association, and the National “I Need Something To Be Mad About” Association.
“This is precisely the change we have been asking the NRA to make for years,” said children’s rights activist Jayni Cooper. “For years it has been operating under a false pretense: that they actually care about protecting Americans whose hunting weapons would be endangered under the imposition of stricter gun control. We’ve known all along that their real interest is semiautomatic weapons that are entirely too easy to obtain and can shred apart the bodies of, for example, children and concertgoers. I’m glad they’ve finally come clean.”
Additionally, the NAR-15A has been renegotiating contracts with large corporations such as United Airlines and First National Bank that had dropped the organization. After the renaming, the companies reportedly appreciated the “honesty” and “clarity” in the NAR-15A’s title and began reworking the damaged relationships.
“I’d say this is a win for the anti-gun movement as well as for the safety of families around the nation,” said Cooper.