Study: Positive Correlation Found Between Number of Cups on Hockey Player’s Tray and Number of Goals Allowed

By AINE LAWLOR Mar. 6, 2018

It’s a question that has puzzled researchers for years: why do hockey players have so many glasses of water on their tray?
At first, one might say it is because they need to hydrate. Other experts suggest that it could be a workout because it makes the tray heavier. Some claim it’s just because they’re so cool and their only way to show that is by piling their trays with plastic cups. The most compelling theory is that they are practicing for their inevitable future of being waiters at sub-par chain restaurants.

These hypotheses have gaps. For example, why can’t the players just refill their one glass once they finish it like a normal fucking person?

To investigate, the Harpoon went to the place where the Bowdoin Men’s Ice Hockey team really shines: the Moulton Dark Room. We spent hours collecting data and came up with a surprising find: every single player had six glasses of water on their tray. This commonality could be coincidental, but we are confident that these six glasses of water are directly related to the whopping six goals Colby scored against them!

After reviewing our notes from past observation sessions and further looking into the correlation, we concluded that the reason our Polar Bear Skaters are so well-hydrated is because they just can’t keep the puck out of their own net.

In an interesting side note, the football team was required to drink a glass of water for every touchdown they scored and over 99% of the team was transported as a result of dehydration.

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