By ARCHER THOMAS Mar. 8, 2018

On Wednesday, supermodel Melania Trump balked at widespread rumors that she had a sexual relationship with President Donald Trump. “Please,” Melania explained, “would I really have slept with him? I don’t even know who he is…”

When informed that Donald Trump is the President of the United States, Melania responded, “Oh, that man. He reminds me of a monster from a Slovenian folk tale, the giant wrinkly pigman who steals apples from wandering children by threatening to cut off their noses. You see, I have never met him, as I still have my beautiful nose and all of my apples.” Melania then opened her Louis Vuitton handbag and at least 15 apples spilled out, along with her phone, keys, and a kilogram of uncut Peruvian cocaine.

Certain facts corroborate Melania’s claim. Donald Trump, as president of the United States, lives in a building whimsically termed the “White House,” a name that is a playful nod to our nation’s peculiar tradition of pretty much only having white presidents. Melania’s house is not white, it is shiny and gray. It is a skyscraper in Manhattan, over 200 miles away from this “White House.” The distance would make it difficult for Melania, a very busy lady whose many nannies need constant supervision, to engage in a sexual relationship with the president.

Despite the insistence of the press, the U.S. government, and Donald Trump himself, Melania is resolute in her denial of having a sexual relationship with President Trump. “I promise, this isn’t even a Bill Clinton situation. I did not have sexual relations with that man. And look at my son’s hands! Long and agile Slovenian hands! Not stubby like the pig-man’s! The fact that our last name is Trump is a coincidence—I belched loudly in front of the immigration official who granted my visa twenty years ago, and for my surname he wrote down what he heard: ‘Trump’!”

When asked why she has secret service protection despite being, as she claims, “a stranger who has most certainly not witnessed the horror that is the greasy underside of Donald Trump’s toupee,” Melania began pretending that she couldn’t speak English.