By ELEANOR MILDENSTEIN Mar. 26, 2018

After facing several excruciating days of constipation, first-year student Tina Pierce ate Friday’s Student Digest in hopes of alleviating the pain.

“I had been feeling strange ever since I ate the vegan cheese burritos in Moulton on Tuesday,” said Pierce. “I was spending upwards of 8 hours on the toilet a day, but still nothing.” 

Pierce claims to have tried every toilet on campus in hopes that the change in scenery would help. On Friday night, while experimenting with the Baxter bathroom, Pierce had an epiphany.

“I knew I would be stuck for a while, so I pulled out my phone. When I ran out of people to stalk on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace, and ChristianMingle, I opened the Mail app,” Pierce explained. “I saw the email from digestengine@bowdoin.edu hidden between a job offer to be a Mystery Shopper and an email from the Bursar’s office that I’ve been too scared to open. Something told me it would be the solution I’ve been looking for – a way to fix my digest engine.”

Pierce reports that the Student Digest, while helpful, did not live up to the usual standards of Bowdoin dining.