College House Initiations Painfully Devoid of Cloaks, Blood, Sacrifice

By BROOKE VAHOS Apr. 25, 2018

Last Friday were the long-anticipated initiations for next year’s batch of college house members. These events, which were alleged to be filled with cloaked figures, candles, sacrifices, and pentagrams, lacked any such paraphernalia. It came as a surprise for all the incoming members as rumors of hazing and sacrificial deaths during the events were reported from current house members.

The Harpoon got an exclusive comment from Baxter initiate Chad Kensington: “It was a total let down. My friends who go to FSU and USC lost fingers during their initiations and we didn’t even get booze at ours.” When asked about possible changes for next year Chad assured us, “there’s gonna be loads of hazing and everyone’s gonna be wearing cloaks.”

Instead of typical initiation activities, such as satanic rituals and dark chants, the college houses opted to play board games. Burnett House thought games like Candyland and Monopoly could get a little too competitive, so they decided to have an ice cream social instead. Ladd’s initiation on the other hand consisted of shuffleboard, bingo, and cruise ship games for the incoming seniors.

It was published in the security report that Randy Nichols found several students begging to be hazed outside of Howell. Later that evening the new Howell members were seen leaving the house chanting, “Oriens splendor lucis aeternae, et Lucifer justitae: veni, et illumine sedentes in tenebris, et umbra mortis.”

First years who did not get into houses desperately hoped their peers would be transported or sacrificed so some spots would open up for them. Awkwardly, nothing of the sort occurred. Luckily for these unaccepted people, a couple new members voluntarily dropped out because the initiations were so underwhelming.

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