Moose With Wig Crowned Miss Maine

By ARCHER THOMAS Sept. 3, 2018

The pageant world was rocked by scandal last week as it was revealed that the 2018 winner of the Miss Maine Beauty Pageant was actually just a moose with a blond wig draped over its antlers.

The moose, who entered the competition as “Anita Saltlick,” charmed the judges with her cud-chewing abilities and her ungraceful but earnest solo dance routine to Britney Spears’ hit “Toxic.” When asked about her dream for the future, Ms. Saltlick simply released a loud and guttural groan. The judges agreed that this was a better answer than “world peace.”

However, as the gorgeous moose was about to be crowned winner of the pageant, a jealous runner-up snatched the wig off of her large and lumbering head. When exposed, Anita bolted, trampling three competitors and triggering an explosion of violence exacerbated by the messy floorplan of the converted synagogue used as the venue.

Jack Tiburon, chair of the Miss Maine organization, released a statement denying rumors that Ms. Saltlick would be deprived of her title. “Frankly, this moose has more talent and beauty than most competitors this day and age. Her humility and quick wit is a model to all.”

Other competitors disagreed with Mr. Tiburon’s decision. “Just because she’s beautiful does not mean she should keep the crown,” said fifth alternate Mary St. James, a woman who was literally deemed less attractive than a moose. “This whole situation reminds me of Miss Maine 2013, when a conniving rabbit tricked the judges into trading the winner’s prize for magic beans.”

Neither Anita Saltlick nor any other members of the moose community could be contacted for comment. It appears she has receded back into the woods from whence she came, depriving us of her startling beauty.

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