Dining Hall Greeters Given License to Kill Students Who Don’t Say Good Morning

By JEFF PRICE Oct.24, 2018

Following President Clayton Rose’s new mandate to pursue “radical hospitality,” the BSG has ratified an article to its constitution enshrining greeters’ right to use lethal force on students who don’t smile and say “Good morning.” Each dining hall greeter has been issued a 9mm Glock and complementary Smathers and Branson holster embroidered with adorable polar bears.

When pressed for comment about the new decree, BSG Press Correspondent Jenna Holmes ‘19 responded, “We dropped to #2 on Niche, and you can put the pieces together from there. While the Bowdoin Soft Smile has been enough in the past, our most recent “Student Friendliness” grade was a C-, which is not acceptable. It’s time to bring back law and order.”

Nevertheless, some greeters have argued that this standard is too low. Since the decree, union strikes have broken out, with greeters asking to add drones to the budget, citing higher efficiency rates and a cleaner kill overall.

Interested in student reactions, the Harpoon reached out to first-year and potential
Government and Legal Studies major Max Hines, who has already interned for Senator Ted Cruz. “I’m conflicted over this article. I mean, I’m all for exercising your Second Amendment rights, but this is really
giving a lot of power to people who don’t make a lot of money,” said Hines before we cut off his rant about a welfare state.

Malcolm Gladwell has recently went to press with an exposé criticizing Bowdoin’s practices. He noted, “Bowdoin College spends $4,000,000 per year on dining hall frills like lobster dinners, gourmet beef tips, and M&P 45 Shield handguns when that money could be spent on scholarships for students. The split should be more in the range of 70:30, with 70% for scholarships and 30% for food/guns.”

Despite student unease about the new policy, no deaths have been reported so far, but several negligent students have been hospitalized for half-assing their smiles or accidentally dropping a “good afternoon” before 12 PM, as these offenses only warranted a lashing.

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