By CHRISTIAN FILTER Nov. 1, 2018

According to multiple reports, Daniel Havard ‘19, proctor of Coleman 1st Floor, has gained the trust and admiration of his proctees for being the “cool” proctor. A relaxed view on hard alcohol violations, a willingness to handle noise complaints in-house, and a tendency to look the other way on the floor’s underground dog-fighting ring has earned him this reputation.

“Daniel is awesome,” commented one resident, Ryan Kittery. “I’ve heard stories from my
friends at bigger universities, and their relationships with their proctors and RAs are totally different. They’ve had to hide every little thing from their RAs in order to stay out of trouble. Not me. I really feel like I can be myself around Daniel.”

“Listen, we were all first-years once,” said Havard. “My philosophy is that as long as everyone is staying safe, I’m okay with it. If some students are playing a little beer pong on a Friday night, that’s fine. Kids will be kids. If a couple of kids are training stray Pit Bulls to absolutely tear each other to shreds while everyone else gambles on the result, I’m cool with that too.”

While some are worried about Havard’s blatant disregard for multiple college, state, and federal laws, others have commended his efforts to get his floor to bond. Other proctors have followed Havard’s lead. Sources indicate that the residents of Moore 3rd Floor have recently started harvesting human kidneys to sell on the black market and in Smith Union, while Winthrop 2nd has created a fraudulent cryptocurrency in order scam thousands of people out of their pensions.