Football Team Blacks Out, Can’t Remember First Win in Nearly Three Years

By JACOB BASKES

On Saturday night, the Bowdoin Football team celebrated their first win in nearly
three years by drinking to the point of not being able to remember their first win in
nearly three years.

After the game, players invited spectators and their parents to Ladd House for the
team’s celebration, which, as it fell on a dry weekend, was naturally the most highly
alcohol-stocked event of the semester thus far. Wide receivers did keg stands.
Linemen did keg stands. Grandparents did keg stands. Prospies did keg stands.

Bowdoin Security did keg stands.

This morning, waking in a daze, not a single member of the Bowdoin Football
community was aware of yesterday’s win, nor do they believe that it did in fact
occur. “Look, all I know is that there’s a reason I can’t remember what happened
yesterday,” said Tight End Dallas Karkowsky. “Given the way things have gone in the
past, I’m going to have to call your bluff on this one. No way.”

Other members of the team, stumbling hungover into their morning meeting on
Sunday, shared similar sentiments. Coaches, too, were in disbelief. “Let’s recap
yesterday’s game: we played against our opponent. Four quarters, in fact. There was
an outcome,” said Head Coach JB Wells. “Anyone have anything else to add?”

The Bates Football team has taken advantage of the memory lapse to make a slight
change to the record books. “Look, we know we didn’t win,” said Head Coach Malik
Hall, who is 0-8 in his first season. “But we could still save face a little bit. A couple
points, who’s going to notice?”

As of this morning, nobody has reported the disparity between the scoreboard,
which read 31-14, and the record books, which now read 2-1. When informed that it
is in fact impossible to score just one single point in football, coach Hall responded,
“Anything is possible, especially when you’re Bates.”

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