By ELIZA JEVON Nov. 28, 2018

Dr. Crema just released her latest topical cream and it is miraculously applicable to everything. She has been working on this invention for quite some time, trying to nail down the formula to get it just right. After countless hours of mixing different creamy elements in her lab (she sometimes got off topic and started mixing shampoos), she finally perfected this new cream.

You can apply this cream to everything – skin, teeth, cake, toast, pimples, unshaven skin, coffee, pudding, and even scones. Rub it on your temples while studying, apply it to that undesirable wart on your friend’s face, or eat it as a midnight snack! There are no limits to this lotion. In addition to physical objects, this cream can be applied to abstract ideas. From Confucianism to neo-liberalism, the possibilities are endless.

When asked to talk a little bit more about how her cream actually works, the ever elusive doctor responded, “Oh you know, it’s somewhere between cream cheese and a L’Oréal anti-aging revitalizer.” In order to keep the cream topical, she re-configures the formula every day to address evolving current events (be sure to stay updated and sign up for a subscription). For example: Forest fires in California – sprinkle some ash into the cream; Serial killer on the loose – toss in a few drops of blood; Congress proposes new law on healthcare – keep the formula exactly the same. There is actually a pending lawsuit from The New York Times against Crema for unnecessarily competing.

Despite begrudged newspapers, many respect Dr. Crema’s new cream as a truly groundbreaking invention. If you’d personally like to see what all the hype is about, swing by your local pharmacy, Walmart, hardware store, jail, strip club, bakery, or taxidermist and pick up a bottle for yourself. From peeling skin to breaking news, this cream truly covers everything.