By JACOB BASKES Jan. 25, 2019
This Tuesday, PETA rolled out a new set of recommendations regarding the ethical treatment and consumption of animals and animal products in the United States. Among these suggestions was an outright ban on hummus.
“Chickpeas have always been a point of contention for PETA,” said spokesperson Pasty Beige. “Animals? So yesterday. Chickpeas are horribly treated in the process of being ground into a creamy paste with salt, lemon and olive oil. And don’t even get me started on tahini. I would hate to be a sesame seed.”
In recent months, PETA has been criticized for overstepping its bounds, going so far as to push for a complete ban on meat-based animal products. This has had adverse effects for economies that depend on meat and seafood production, such as Maine, Maryland, and every other state in the country. Hummus is a new step, however, and analysts expect an even bigger backlash this time from meat-eaters, vegetarians, and pastafarians alike.
“I always thought that PETA was okay with hummus,” said local health nut Pick Chea. “They’ve always seemed to go quite well together. But I think by banning the lovely Middle Eastern dip I call ‘Mom’, they’re spreading themselves too thin. Not a smooth move, move, PETA. Not a smooth move.”