by JACK SHANE February 10, 2019

Before you write this off as the ramblings of a mad man, hear me out. These three songs were released in an order such that the “Sweet Caroline” that Neil Diamond sings about in 1969 is a baby, likely his niece or cousin. The lyrics of Diamond’s song are much less sexually charged than the other two, showing that they are likely about a baby “reaching out to him.” Let’s be honest, there is nothing cuter than babies reaching out. His phrasing implies that he is babysitting this baby as the night “don’t seem so lonely.” He even sings about how perfect it feels “when I’m holding you.” So, either Neil is having a nice moment with his infant niece, or he is fucking this baby. Moving on.

In 1981, Rick Springfield longs to be with his best friend’s girl who, you guessed it, is (probably) named Caroline. Assuming that Neil Diamond was babysitting her between the ages of two and five, Caroline would now be 14-17, perfect age for the girl mentioned in Springfield’s high school anthem. Springfield laments about how Jessie holds her at night, likely reminding her of how her favorite uncle or cousin used to hold her when she was a baby. Hot, right?

Twenty-two years later, in 2003, Fountains of Wayne released the classic hit “Stacy’s Mom” about the same girl. Now a woman in her late 30’s, Caroline has birthed a child, who she named Stacy. This daughter has a boyfriend who longs to see Caroline. According to Rick Springfield, Caroline is a beautiful lady, which this boy now sees as well, even 20 years later. Springfield also grieves over how Caroline looks at Jessie, similar in the way that she is said to stare at the boy mentioned by Fountains of Wayne.