by BLAINE STEVENS February 11, 2019
Based on the in-depth testimonies of all 60 million middle-aged fathers across the country, a new study published in the peer-reviewed sociological journal, Playboy, confirmed the long-believed speculation that 100% of dads would, in fact, give their left nut to go back to the summer of ‘83.
Shocking to absolutely nobody, the report describes how all fathers would willingly sacrifice their left testicle if it meant going back to literally any given day between June 1st and August 31st of 1983. This was a time in which they had a “killer” head of hair and a “kickass bod.” In the report, the fathers reminisced about times when they were “fresh outta college and having a blast working in the city” and “spending nights in the bars down by the boardwalks and scoping out the hotties.”* Of course, this love for a past era comes as no surprise to most Americans who have witnessed the gleam that emerges in the eyes of all middle-aged dads when discussing their “totally awesome downtown apartment” or their “bitchin’ ‘82 Camaro.” Researchers were startled however, to find that all fathers would voluntarily go back to even the most depressing of rainy Sunday afternoons in the summer of 1983 if it meant they could return to their youthful glory, and leave behind whatever pathetic existence they are leading now.
This study not only verifies the universality of a sad desire to return to a fleeting youth that plagues the youngest Baby Boomer and oldest Gen X-er dads, but further emphasizes how great 100% of all fathers’ lives were before their existence became defined by their “annoying kids” and “nagging bitch wives.” As noted, the study found first that 100% of fathers would happily mutilate their genitals in order to go back to the summer of 1983, but even more it was confirmed that all fathers reached peak happiness during this time before they met the future mothers of their children and before they became fathers in general.
Furthermore, the study conclusively found that all 60 million fathers have stayed with their wives out of fear of financial ruin and that they love their children “only because they have to.”
*All quotations provided in this article come from your father specifically