Men’s Hockey Team Has Collective Heart Attack When First Year Sits at Their Table

by MADDIE HIKIDA February 14, 2019

Author’s Note: while we recognize that the Men’s Hockey Team doesn’t actually own the table that they always sit at in the Moulton Darkroom, they also definitely do.

Panic ensued in the Moulton Dark Room last Friday when the Men’s Hockey Team had a collective heart attack after an unsuspecting first-year sat down at their table, causing several minor injuries. Despite hockey being a violent sport, this has been the first time a member of the hockey team has gotten transported for a non-alcohol related reason. Though only minimal family history of heart disease had been reported by players on the team, doctors were baffled by the occurrence of the rare but dangerous “collective heart attack.”

When asked for commentary, Chad Brooks ’19 told us, “It’s just, like, our table! When I saw this wimpy little freshman just, like, sitting at our table, I thought I was losing it, man. I thought that last concussion finally did me in. I mean, like, it’s so obviously our table. And dude, when I told Brad, you should’ve seen his face. I thought he was gonna totally lose it. He had to get a fourth glass of yellow Gatorade.”

The Harpoon reached out to the guilty freshman, who asked not to be named because he’s pretty sure that the hockey team doesn’t know his name and he would love to keep it that way. He stated, “I live in West, so I always just eat in Thorne! I’m not stupid; I know where all the athlete tables are. I just didn’t know about the ones in Moulton! I was just trying to meet with my friend from my O-Trip. They should really put a sign up or something if they take it that seriously.” 

When asked about putting a “Reserved for Men’s Hockey” sign on the men’s hockey table, Moulton Operations Manager Susanne D’Angelo-Cooley replied, “Uh?” 

Every single member of the men’s hockey team has reported this as a bias incident.

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