By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

FEB 18, 2019

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. HEALTH SERVICES IN POCKET OF BIG PHARMA

As flu season reached a fever pitch last week, the Orient gave us a look inside the pro-vaccination special interest group that is the Bowdoin Health Services Center. The Center has distributed 825 flu vaccines this season, likely without telling students a single one of the risks from these non-vegan “medicines.” Health Services is also attempting to infect other institutions across campus with the pro-vacc frenzy, encouraging sports teams or res-life groups to engage in vaccination.

Think the flu is the hoax? Learn about the conspiracy here.

2. BLIND DATE DINNER QUICKLY TURNS TO ORGY

The third iteration of the Valentine’s Day blind date dinner ended in raucous success. The event, which tried to deemphasize Bowdoin hook-up culture, succumbed to a massive orgy in the Cram Alumni House. Of the 30 pairings at the event, 23 reportedly resulted in 2nd dates, which doubles the amount of Bowdoin students in actual relationships.

Looking for love? Learn more here, or put a love letter in the Orient.

3. LEFTISTS PRETEND THEY NEED TO HIDE IN BASEMENTS

Dudley-Coe basement, supposedly the last bastion of leftism at Bowdoin, houses the socialist thinking club, the “Reading Group.” The group aims the promote leftist thought that the Orient claims “has remained largely absent from Bowdoin’s mainstream discourse.” Maybe Bowdoin is secretly a conservative think tank that only the Orient knows about. The covert group has yet to seek a charter from the SOOC. If leaders plan to keep it that way, they must hope Jenna Scott doesn’t read the Orient.

Are you one of the rare leftists at Bowdoin? Learn about the “Reading Group” here.

4. ROMNEY CAMPAIGN CHAIR TO TAKE REINS AT BOWDOIN

Possibly in fear of the suddenly resurgent leftist ideologies on Bowdoin’s campus, the Board of Trustees elected Robert F. White ‘77 as chair, hopefully, to serve as a check on the “Reading Group.” White served as chair of Romney’s 2008 and 2012 presidential campaigns. Surprisingly, the conservative strategist still supports expanding free payouts (aka financial aid) to everyone who isn’t in approximately the top 5-10% of income brackets and ensuring opportunity for students from all backgrounds.

Want to be the next Chair of the Trustees? Try out here.

5. CURLING TEAM FINISHES REGULAR SEASON “ON TOP” (3RD PLACE)

Math isn’t everyone’s strong suit, but even someone with a cursory understanding of sports and numbers knows on top doesn’t quite mean 3rd place. Nonetheless, our friendly Orient sportswriters would like us to know the curling team in “On Top” (or they could be making a thickly veiled innuendo). Nonetheless, the curling team will enter nationals as Bowdoin’s 2nd most successful and 12th highest funded winter sport.

Want more time “On Top.” Learn to curl here.

Love the Oriental Express? Bring it to your next clandestine reading group!

Compiled by Will Hausmann