by JACK SHANE Feb. 19, 2019

Many know the Jonas Brothers as a popular boy band who peaked from 2006-2013. However, they were much more than an excuse for fangirl triplets to get wet. Their songs actually contained subtle messages that predicted our very future. Indeed, our “great great great granddaughters” will not know the Jo-Bros as a boy band, but as an all-knowing prophet of the future.

1. “S.O.S.” and 2008: On the surface, the song “S.O.S,” released in 2007, is a call for help in a relationship. However, when you get your shovel out and dig just a little bit deeper, the song is actually a call to action for any moral soul in the American and world financial systems. This song was released a full year before the debacle that was the Great Recession. How could the Jonas Brothers, a few Disney Channel sweethearts, have predicted this? They are the Modern Nostradamus.

2. “Year 3000” and Immortality: One of the most obvious pieces of evidence has got to be the song “Year 3000.” This song speaks about a trip to the future, the year 3000 to be exact, and how the world has changed since then. Specifically, they sing about how their “great-great-great granddaughter” is “pretty fine.” This absurd claim suggests that almost 1000 years would pass among only 5 generations—surely an impossible feat (unless the three have an inheritable fetish for sugar daddy-ing). However, once again the Jonas Brothers were right. Scientists have recently discovered that Millennials and Generation Z could be the first generations to not die. How could the Jonas Brothers have known this development over 10 years before it became public knowledge? They are the Modern Nostradamus.

3: “Burnin’ Up” and Global Warming: “Burnin’ Up,” a song that could be wrongly explained as a man overwhelmed by the heat of a relationship, is, in fact, actually about the rise of global warming. This song states how Joe is “slipping into the lava” and how “you [Taylor Swift is a metaphor for fossil fuels] turn the temperature hotter.” These lyrics are clearly coded language about the world’s increasing temps. Although the idea of Global Warming has been present among scientific literature for many decades, recent works have emphasized immediate action. How could three boys from a children’s television channel know this?!! They. Are. The Modern Nostradamus.

Since the tragic break-up of the band in 2013, our correspondents have been urgently seeking another source of future-telling genius boy bands. Big Time Rush, Naked Brothers Band, and One Direction have all failed us. All we can do now is wait–and dare I say it, I’m “Paranoid.”