by Theo Danzig Feb. 22, 2019

In a press release last Thursday, the government of North Korea complained that the isolated nation is only ranked the sixth-least free nation in the world. In Freedom House’s annual Freedom in the World 2019 report, North Korea was edged out by bastions of despotism, including Syria and South Sudan.

Speaking in her characteristic vitriolic style, Korean Central Television chief news presenter Ri Chun-hi declared that the Hermit Kingdom would not be deterred by this setback, but would continue forging ahead. In an exclusive sit-down interview with the Harpoon, Ri stated “I mean, what does that asshole Assad have on us? He might gas and bomb his civilians, but we’ve killed millions of ours via famine, and have hundreds of thousands more languishing in labor camps. Those jerks at Freedom House are totally being unfair.”

Other disappointed autocrats contending for the bottom spot include Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. Venezuela’s bid suffered because President Maduro has not yet had the opposition leader shot, and Saudi Arabia was hurt by the decision this past year to let women drive.

In a similar vein, United States President Donald Trump expressed his frustration that the US was still ranked as Free. In a rant to White House staffers, Trump shouted, “I’ve chucked kids in cages and tried to ban people from entering the US on the basis of their religion. If that can’t get us to Partly Free, what will?”