by Theo Danzig Mar. 3, 2019

In a school-wide email, the Judicial Board announced that for the foreseeable future, it would reject recommendations for student suspensions and probations, and instead only require that students sit on the Judicial Board for the following year. This decision was made after the Judicial Board failed to receive a sufficient number of applications for the 2019-2020 school year.

“While we understand that this is a bit unconventional, we weren’t sure what else to do,” Judicial Board President Iluvmijob confessed to our Harpoon correspondent. “Since nobody is willing to be associated with the J-Board by choice, we figured the only way to recruit new members for next year would be to use force and intimidation. Fortunately, this course of action exactly aligns with our principles.”

Any applications the Judicial Board did receive came from ineligible seniors scrambling to fill up their résumés or from people who mistook the letter “J” in J-Board for “E.” Shockingly, the J-board did not even bother to open the many impressive applications sent in by Harpoon staff members.

Thus far, students have reacted negatively to the news. “I’d be willing to face two year-long suspension,” one student in the midst of the disciplinary process said, “but this J-board shit is too much.” Still, others feel that this is a rather fortunate new punishment. One such grateful student notes, “At least they’re not making me live in Ladd.”