ORIENTAL EXPRESS: Crunchy Liberals Pretend It’s Not Winter

MAR. 4, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. CRUNCHY LIBERALS PRETEND IT’S NOT WINTER

The recently revamped Bowdoin Climate Action (BCA) is undergoing significant change, but some things will always stay the same: they are still trying to convince politicians that winter doesn’t exist. A week ago protesters organized outside Senator Susan Collins office, oddly enough wearing winter jackets and standing next to snow banks that this mysterious “global warming” should have eliminated the need for. The group protesting also shared personal stories with Senator Collins, but failed to recognize that she doesn’t have feelings.

Learn how you can fight the climate hoax perpetrated by China here.

2. BOWDOIN PUTS ON PLAY: “HOW TRUMP GOT ELECTED”

Sweat, aka How Trump Got Elected, was put on this weekend to explore those mysterious people who don’t live 25 miles from a coast. Hopefully, this play will provide for lots of boring and drawn out opining by all our friendly government majors this week. However, the play may be inaccessible to Bowdoin students because it covers topics such as working in a factory, living in poverty, and just working in general.

If you missed Sweat, at least you can pretend you saw it by reading here.

3. BOWDOIN MUSIC AIMING FOR NESCAC DOMINATION

The music department is seeking to have greater sway in the admissions process, as it looks to have increased programming in the coming years. Bowdoin music has the potential to be renowned by grandmothers across Southern Maine, but it will need some help from admissions officers. However, if spots are being given to athletes, children of wealthy alumni, winners of national competitions, and now talented musicians, one is left to wonder whether there is much room for mediocre and unexciting students such as this column’s author.

Want to get into Bowdoin? Find out if your kazoo skills will help here.

4. BOWDOIN STUDENTS CELEBRATE THEIR ARTSY PHOTO SPOT

After Gulf of Maine Books celebrated its 40th anniversary this past week, the resident artsy trendsters of Bowdoin celebrated their “favorite” spot. Gulf of Maine Books has been a top spot for Bowdoin students whether they want to snap a “whimsical” Insta story or make all their Snapchat buddies think they actually read books. Despite the frequent visits of camera-laden students, the owner’s of the shop reported selling only 3 books, so far, to Bowdoin students this academic year.

Want people to think you’re smart? Get the inside scoop on Gulf of Maine books here.

5. FARLEY FIELD HOUSE OVERCROWDED, BOWDOIN DOME NEXT BUILDING PROJECT?

As spring sports struggle for space and time in Farley, there seem to be two options left to save Bowdoin Athletics. They may schedule practices between 8:30 and 4:30 to allow for more practice time and to give a mildly legitimate reason for athletes to skip class. Athletics is also exploring the option of gutting half the financial aid budget to build a 100,000 sq ft dome in the middle of the quad for all season athletics. In response to the proposal, Bowdoin Football Instagram has begun using #buildthedome on their posts.

Understand the #buildthedome movement here.

POLL QUESTION: Should Bowdoin #buildthedome? Please respond here.

Last Week’s Poll: Would your middle school basketball team beat Tufts?

  • Most definitely: 53%
  • No, my middle school only had a squash, fencing and dressage team: 47%

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with the Oddest Duck you know!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

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