by ELIZA JEVON Mar. 5, 2019
Students have questioned Professor Edward Wright’s political views for quite some time now. While he claims that he “doesn’t want to share his political views” out of fear that he will “influence” his reportedly “center-Marxist” students, his students suspects otherwise.
At first, students thought Professor Wright’s strange bodily tendency to lean rightwards was some sort of hip impediment. Though it seemed a bit odd, they nonetheless wanted to respect all different types of stances, even if they did not believe in climate change. The students did not want to be rude and point out his right-leaning position, but they were growing a bit concerned.
Professor Wright’s government class has observed and recorded his behavior in a carefully dated catalogue. On January 22, he wore a quarter-zip with an elephant insignia on his left breast. “I’m a Tufts alumnus!” he said a little too emphatically. For two weeks in a row, beginning on January 24, he only used red pen to correct papers, and only gave “A”s to those who earned a 90 or above. On February 2, he stated that he hated giving class handouts. From February 1 to February 8, he even used a mug that said “no taxation without representation.” He claims he also “teaches a class on the American Revolution.”
Then, finally, on February 11, something pushed him over the edge. In almost slow-motion, Professor Wright’s body leaned farther and farther to the right until he just fell right over. Eyewitnesses reported gasps and screams, and described the class rushing over to help him up and ask if he was alright.
“What happened?!” they all cried.
“It’s…it’s…it’s because… I lean right!” Mr. Wright confessed. The students, gleefully cheering and rallying, joined hands–they had successfully outed one of the bourgeois! Down with the patriarchy! The students marched around the campus chanting, “Free the proletariat,” until they all rushed off to their next class with Professor Goldstein.
Doctors anticipate Mr. Wright will soon be released from Midcoast Hospital. He now goes to physical therapy twice a week to correct his body position and attends daily counseling sessions with Bowdoin Republicans. His government class thinks of him often and has been sending him many care packages. They even sent him a donkey to ride to and from class.
To learn how you can best support Professor Wright during this difficult time, please contact the GOP or the welfare division of the Portland municipal government.