by Theo Danzig Mar. 26, 2019

The Brunswick Police last week uncovered a massive enterprise run by the Bowdoin Chemistry Department to manufacture crystal methamphetamine. The Department had hired engineers to drill under the basement of Druckenmiller Hall and built a state of the art facility using equipment from their own laboratories.

The BPD was alerted to the existence of the lab by an anonymous tip from a disgruntled student who received a D in Chemistry 1109. They set up a sting operation posing as potential buyers and were able to arrest the ringleaders.

At peak production the lab was capable of turning out millions of dollars worth of high purity meth per week. The Department used Portland Pie as a front for distribution, and then used the local restaurant to launder the proceeds.

In an interview conducted from Cumberland County Jail, an anonymous chemistry professor awaiting arraignment revealed to the Harpoon the Department’s inspiration for the lab. “A couple of us were watching Breaking Bad this summer, and it occurred to us that if some high school teacher could pull this off, we could definitely do it. We are professors, after all.”

Local residents had mixed reactions to the lab’s discovery. One angry woman told the Harpoon, “I’m just shocked that this sort of crime was occurring right under our noses!” Another resident was more excited. “I had previously thought of Bowdoin as stuffy, boring ivory tower, but this was pretty BA!”