“No, I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Spring Break or the Mueller Report”

by JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 25, 2019

Hey, I’m sure you had a wild spring break hiking the Everglades, getting an individually tailored McGruff the Crime Dog costume, or finally obtaining the currently sealed Special Counsel Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election. But, guess what? I really don’t want to hear it.

You heard me right. I don’t want to hear about how you and the Dalai Lama chilled on a yacht in Guam together, or about your spring romance with a Belgian haberdasher named Gaston, or about the potential obstruction of justice committed by our president, although the right wing (i.e. the Football Team) is going to play this whole saga like Donald Trump’s a free man, while the left wing (i.e. everyone else on campus) will never cease to remind us that Robert Mueller wrote, “While this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him.” Just shut up!

Perhaps I’m a liberal snowflake who feels equally as offended by your expensive trip to Turks & Caicos as Mueller’s inability to indict Satan incarnate. Or, alternatively, perhaps I’m a Bud Light-drinking, national populist who finds your trip to Easter Island to swim with the large-headed statues as frivolous and out-of-touch as the media’s (and likely your own) attempt to make this report a big whooping deal.

So when we all come back together on campus, let’s abandon the common refrain of “What did you do over break?” Instead, let’s use the more open-ended “How was your break?” and hope more meaningful conversation comes from it, instead of talking about the fucking Mueller report.

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