Oriental Express: E-Board Announces Ivies Acts: All Three Fans Rejoice

APRIL 2, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. EXCLUSIVELY INCLUSIVE

The acceptance rate for the Class of 2023 “plunged” below 9 percent, much to the relief of anxious students and helicopter parents across Westchester and Fairfax counties. With a single digit acceptance rate, Bowdoin becomes an infinitely better institution despite literally nothing substantively changing about the school. Senior Vice President for Diversity and Inclusion Michael Reed was not available for comment on the newly released acceptance numbers.

Learn more about “the polar plunge” here.

2. LIFE UNDER THE CANDLE BAN

After a 2nd candle-related fire in five weeks, the college has announced a total and complete ban on candles. Members of the Bowdoin community wonder whether the next step is to also ban all notebooks and/or copies of the Orient from dorms due to their equally flammable properties. With the ban taking effect, there are also concerns how students will spark their intellectual curiosity without the assistance of a candle.

Learn what else Bowdoin wants to take from you here.

3. E-BOARD ANNOUNCES IVIES ACTS: ALL THREE FANS REJOICE

Earlier this week, the E-Board announced a star studded lineup to compete with the likes of Coachella and Gov Ball. Students everywhere were shocked by how the E-Board managed to get such an electric lineup with only $123,000. During Thursday’s concert, the Bowdoin Film Society will be screening the Lion King, hoping to rival the crowds for Lion Babe.

Find out more about Ivies here.

4. CURLING LIVES UP TO THE HYPE

After an 8th place finish at Nationals, Bowdoin Curling may have cemented itself as the best sports team by wins per dollar spent. Their success was in large part due to pre-match stretching to ensure optimal sweeping form.

Learn what it takes to curl here.

5. (some of the) ENROLLED STUDENTS SURVEY

Earlier this March, Bowdoin administered the Enrolled Student Survey with about 50% percent of students not participating, despite repeated pestering from Dean Tim Foster’s e-mail robot. Nonetheless, students that filled out the survey were able to feel the silent judgment of a Qualtrics server as they answered questions on their drinking and sleeping habits. Upon analysis of the survey, the report will be given to the 2019 Class Council. Questions are already being raised about whether Council President Henry Bredar will choose to keep this information from the public.

Find out if President Bredar will release the report here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

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