by HOLLY LYNE April 4, 2019

The dankest new wellness trend is blazing into Bowdoin: CBD. “The College is thrilled to announce that the beloved C-Store will be renovated and renamed the CBD-Store,” announced Director of Counseling and Wellness, Dr. Bernie R. Hershberger. “We have just begun remodeling the space and ordering a new inventory. The ribbon cutting ceremony for the brand new CBD-Store will take place on April 20 at 4:20 PM.”

The CBD-Store will serve the same function on campus as the C-Store, offering snacks, beverages, and supplies. The only difference is that all goods sold will contain cannabidiol (colloquially known as CBD). “Cannabidiol is a non-psychoactive compound found in the cannabis plant. So basically, it’s like the non-fun part of weed,” said local CBD expert Matthew Stoner.

Students visiting the CBD-Store can expect to find fun treats such as CBD-enhanced melatonin, chewing gum, and hand lotion. In addition, Bowdoin Dining has just patented exclusive new recipes for CBD-and-Chocolate Covered Almonds™ and CBD-Glazed Hot Pockets™. The College anticipates that due to these jazzy new items, the CBD-Store will generate 420% more monthly revenue than the C-Store.

“All of these CBD products promote restfulness and relaxation, which is perfect for a campus full of high-achieving nerds who love complaining about how much work they have,” says Hershberger. “We’re telling students as politely as we can that they need to chill out.”