April 8, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. “WHERE DOES THE MONEY COME FROM?” ASKS THE ORIENT AND YOUR REPUBLICAN FATHER

With an operating budget of $168.4 million this year, Bowdoin spends more than the net worth of all most Bowdoin Student’s parents. Additionally, the college has an endowment of $1.63 billion, but fiscal hardliners and picky donors at the college are unwilling to spend it all and build a water park in the middle of the quad. A shame.

See where all the money comes from here.

2. STUDENTS SURPRISED TO REALIZE UNDERAGE DRINKING IS ILLEGAL

BPD put their Award for “Enforcing Underage Drinking Laws” (or more commonly know as EULD) to good use last weekend, giving out 13 summonses. Many of these occurred at Helm (yet another reason to stay away from the social house). The BPD officers were easily able to see through the convoluted, nebulous, and liability-waiving system of E-hosts and A-hosts and cite 5 students. In light of recent events, all further college house parties might now be hosted by Randy Nichols and his rag-tag security militia.

Learn how you can win a EUDL award here.

3. BIG BROTHER

Much to George Orwell’s dismay, Bowdoin has refrained from mining and selling our data to fund the endowment (or so they say). Unlike students in research psychology classes, it seems as though the College values your privacy.

Find out more about all your data the College could be stealing here.

4. ALL YOUR ONE SOBER FRIEND WILL NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE IVIES PERFORMERS

For the few of us who will have full sensory capabilities during Ivies weekend, here are the crucial things to know about the world’s next musical icons. Lion Babe is actually not a lion, but rather a middling R&B group with the potential to rock the biggest stages in the country such as the David Saul Smith Student Union. Jamila Woods, a.k.a. that artist on some Chance the Rapper song, will attempt to satiate the underwhelming enthusiasm for her headliner. Lastly, we have the honor of Mick Jenkins, who in the words of the Orient music columnist: “I can honestly say I had never in my life felt any urge to listen to Jenkins.” Mick is ready to kill it at Ivies.

3 reasons why Ivies will be more mediocre than usual here.

5. BASEBALL FOLLOWS IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF FOOTBALL

Despite an 0-14-1 start to the season, the baseball team maintains an “unparalleled winning spirit.” Players on the bench have also shown impressive skills organizing energetic cheers, and the team is hopeful that this power them to victory later in the season.

Learn about your all-conference cheer team here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!

Compiled by Will Hausmann