by DAN RALSTON April 10, 2019
Local dude Josh Snookums had a shocking revelation last Tuesday. Josh recounted, “So I was at the dining hall, and I was looking at the napkins and stuff, and I realized that they weren’t sanitary. Like, what the fuck? I’ve been using the napkins in the HL Bathrooms and they explicitly say that they are sanitary.” Confusion as to why sanitary napkins don’t exist in either dining hall wasn’t just limited to Josh. A Harpoon investigation found that 94.6% of male athletes were annoyed that napkins in the dining halls weren’t sanitary.
Baseball player Rick Nevels also chimed in, “Dude, I just love getting my shit clean with those napkins in the bathrooms. Honestly it’s so nice. Just totally freaks me out that the ones at the dining hall aren’t as sanitary as in the bathroom.” When pressed further, Rick concluded, “I guess this means that bathrooms are more sanitary than other places on campus. The boys and I are just gonna need to post up there to stay healthy this season.”