by JACK SHANE April 21, 2019
Easter is today – you know what that means! People finally get to start engaging in those diabolical activities they gave up for Lent. But if we are being honest with ourselves, Jesus died for our sins, but he’d be really disappointed in your recent decisions.
Ok yes, you are a college student so he can’t get mad about the sleeping through classes thing. Hell, Jesus probably had to call a rain check on the Last Supper because he was totally overwhelmed by it all. He seemed to have some pretty cool friends, so they probably didn’t even bat an eye. And the alcohol you destroy your liver with every weekend is fine because we all know it’s related to wine, and Jesus drank lots of wine (he even turned water into wine, so who’s the real alcoholic?). Even that weed you try to hide is fine because we all know Jesus was a low-key pot head. Even the occasional cocaine isn’t the worst because, hey, the Bible never said, “Don’t do coke.”
That being said, Jesus would be absolutely baffled by your more “absurd” recent decisions. These include, in no particular order, chasing after a squirrel on the Quad for 20 minutes, daytime streaking, showering without a towel “for the fun of it,” and attempting to climb the flagpole to “finish the level of Super Mario Bros.”