April 22, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. WHAT JOHN KASICH DID (AND DIDN’T (AND DIDN’T DIDN’T)) SAY

John Kasich visited campus last week for a medical examination from “Doctor” Clayton Rose and for the opportunity to pontificate on Jesus, Republicans, “solving race,” and Teslas. Supposedly, he answered some questions along the way too, but that is still up for debate. Additionally, Kasich stated he would not run for president at the moment, nor endorse Andrew Yang.

Learn about all the questions John Kasich interrupted here.

2. SAFC NEARLY BOUNCES LAST CHECK

The SAFC is officially out of money. After the SAFC spent most of its money in the first semester, club leaders should be sure to think of many fake reasons to request money next September before the $700,000 budget disappears. The SAFC Treasurer also encouraged collaboration between clubs with similar missions to combine funding, such as the Orient and the Harpoon or Bridge Club and the Rugby Team.

Get ideas for stupid stuff your club can spend money on here.

3. FUMI ABE LEAVES AUDIENCE MEMBERS FUMI-NG

In a bit of an ironic twist, the Asian Students Alliance and the Center for Multicultural Life presented a comedian now accused of making sexist and racist comments during his performance at Bowdoin. This performance was somewhat off-brand from the group’s mission (hopefully). Additionally, one hopes that ASA wasn’t taking to much money from the SAFC for this performance, as it could have been put to better use elsewhere, such as prizes for the Finance Club.

Find out the standard to beat if you want to be the next Asian Heritage Month comedian here.

4. STUDENTS GET TO PLAY GAMES INSTEAD OF DOING HOMEWORK

Students from Professor Nerdahl’s Roman Republic class mounted the museum steps last week to play a “game,” while other students bemoaned the drudgery of actual classwork. Conservative old guys everywhere question how one can learn from their courses without painful and joyless work. The professor was unable to comment on whether students were paying $70,000 a year for alternative Dungeon and Dragons.

Learn all about the new wave of role playing here.

5. MISHRA HOPES TO TALK TO PEOPLE

Bowdoin Students welcome a new chief executive, Ural Mishra, whose victorious campaign was motivated by his life changing experience while abroad. Mishra also claimed to have run after deciding he was the best candidate available, perhaps even born to be (BSG) president, a la Beto O’Rourke. As president, Mishra plans to talk to people, an impressively lofty goal that we are curious if he will pull off.

Ice breakers for chats with Ural can be found here here.

Love the Oriental Express? Wear it as your ivies outfit!

Compiled by Will Hausmann