Uglies and Fatties Banned from Senior Seven

by HOLLY LYNE April 22, 2019

It’s that time of year again. The basics are flocking to Salvo to buy tie-dyed outfits for Ivies, the sun is shining but the quad is still too soggy to sit on, and if you don’t have an internship yet, panic is setting in. Springtime has arrived in Brunswick.

Every spring, seniors peruse their peers and try to come up with their Senior Seven — those smashing seven people who could each be The One That Got Away™ if they never shared an awkward or mildly above average night with their senior admirer. This time-honored tradition allows young love to flourish and embodies the joie de vivre of senior spring. But in 2019, we’re putting our collective foot down — no more uglies and fatties in the Senior Seven.

The numbers don’t lie. Your Senior Seven would occupy just 0.38% of Bowdoin’s 1,825 student body population. Thus, the Senior Seven is an elite squadron that should only be occupied by Bowdoin’s finest and most physically fit specimens. People with bacne and beer bellies may have been adequate for the past seven semesters, but you’re about to graduate and enter the real world, so it’s time to be pickier — a lot pickier. No need to feel guilty — this campus is super accepting, so the uglies and fatties have had their day in the sun.

My parting words are these: In the grand finale of your Bowdoin hookup career, you only have time for alphas, not betas. Choose wisely, seniors.

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