by MADDIE HIKIDA April 18, 2019

Are you upset that Dean Tim Foster is leaving because you didn’t make enough DTF jokes? Worry not! He’ll be running for President of the United States, just like everyone else.

When asked why he chose to run, Foster replied “I thought to myself, when will I have another opportunity to be one of way too many deans? And then I realized that there was only one other place that fully exemplified the phrase ‘too many cooks in the kitchen,’ and that was the 2020 presidential race.”

Foster joins literally 670 other presidential hopefuls including Beto O’Rourke (whose musical career rivals that of Maine Senate hopeful and all-around heartthrob Zak Ringelstein), Bernie Sanders (old, angry, and whiter than a picket fence), Pete Buttigieg (the butt jokes are just too easy, but we’ll all make them anyways), Elizabeth Warren (whose announcement to run caused slightly less confusion than that of the Starbucks dude), Cory Booker (human sock), Kamala Harris (The Root actually called her candidacy “a conundrum wrapped inside a riddle buried inside a Jamaican beef patty” and I really can’t do better than that), and several others who no one has heard about.

Foster will be running as an Independent to stand in solidarity with Joshua Chamberlain look-alike Senator King. The move could also be a last-ditch attempt to win the favor of the Bowdoin Republicans, a club that exists solely to make Bowdoin look diverse in the eyes of your first-year roommate’s dad.