by BLAINE STEVENS September 9, 2019
This past Wednesday, the Office of Residential Life announced ground-breaking new changes to the college’s event registration system with an addition to the A-Host system. Calling the changes “innovative” and “much needed,” Residential Life has stated that lower-tier College Houses will now have to abide by the new B-Host system and will be banned from using the well-known A-Host system.
Qualifications for the B-Host system vary, but representatives from ResLife shared a handful of qualities that would automatically force a House to use the new system and ensure that mediocrity and a complete lack of any fun continue to define their reputation on campus.
According to a spokesperson for Residential Life, “If your past parties have had less than forty people, and more than half who even bothered to show up were first-years who stayed for fifteen minutes before going to Baxter, you automatically are going to be using the B-Host system. If you use Big Bootie mixes at every event you throw, you automatically are going to be using the B-Host system. If you have to go to other College House parties and shout some stupid bullshit like ‘Hey, fuck this house, come to *our party instead*!’ you automatically are going to be using the B-Host system.”
ResLife elaborated on the qualifications by clarifying that, “Really, the list just goes on and on. It should be harder to make your house lame than it is to make your house cool, and if you can fuck it up to the point that people would rather drink in a quad in Appleton while listening to the same Drake song over and over and over again, you just don’t deserve to benefit from our current system.”
Furthermore, Reslife cited the driving force in the new change to be a desire to protect the cherished and highly sought after A-Hosts.
“To be honest, we don’t think that the few brave A-Hosts—the people that are dumb enough to completely break the law furnishing to minors because they think they will gain some social clout or something—should have to stoop that low and waste their Saturday night on a College House that nobody really fucks with. The B-Host system is much more compatible with those lame houses that nobody wants to party or even live in.”
When asked for a description of what the B-Host system would entail, the spokesperson described a system in which event registration requires members of the uncool houses to be “put in their little bitch place.” Lower-tier houses would not be allowed to register alcohol at any events. Instead, uncool houses that wished to host an event would have to buy alcohol for ResLife staff using fake IDs.
“To truly solidify the lower-tier status of a given college house, we will ensure that any and all fake IDs used to purchase alcohol for ResLife staff will fail to scan. We will also ensure that the cashier checking the ID will call the police on the house member attempting to buy—ideally, they will then go to prison as well. Thus ensuring none of those lame-ass houses even have members to host their lame-ass parties because all of them will be serving a mandatory prison sentence of at least 15 months.
Qualifications for B-Hosts themselves also ranged widely. A handful of the requirements for eligible B-Hosts were “mouthbreather,” “follows Barstool on Instagram,” and “gets racist when drunk.” Despite the broad range of qualifications needed for B-Host eligibility, the ResLife spokesperson restated a desire for inclusivity in the B-Host system.
“At the end of the day, we aim to be inclusive. No matter skin color, religion, or ethnicity, we really just want B-Hosts to do their job by making House residents and guests alike really uncomfortable, and by reminding lower-tier houses of their place on this campus.”
*insert: Mac, Burn, Quinby, Helm, BJ, BoJo, The Johnson