By JACOB BASKES Sep. 4, 2019

The new Park Row Apartments mostly opened to 88 lucky students on Sunday, marking the end of what was originally a 16-month project—completed in just 12. The apartments were built using just three quarters of the money that peer institutions spend on similar projects, and include only three quarters of the flooring, plumbing, and furnished bedrooms seen in those same developments.

“It’s just beautiful,” said new resident Flor Perez. “Like a showroom. Except it’s kind of dark, and none of the sinks work. Also, our TV is upside down and only plays Sesame Street reruns from like 1995.”

In an email sent by President Rose last weekend, he and the College boasted about the feat of construction. “These buildings are incredibly attractive from the outside and unbelievably efficient from the inside — with no running water and no heating system, we have cut emissions by nearly 80%. These innovative decisions allowed us to cut the development time by 25%, meaning hopefully we can get those two guys off our lawn soon.”

The frontmen of the construction company hired to build Park Row are not so sure about the decisions made by the college. “It became apparent we wouldn’t finish this project about, I don’t know, three or four weeks into building,” said Zach Masten of the Heads Up, Here Comes a Two By Four! Construction Company. “So we told Bowdoin it would be another couple of months past the original deadline. All we heard back was something in Latin that I think translated to ‘hire high schoolers and pay them back in turkey sandwiches.’ So we kept building until they stopped paying us the other day.”

While the four 22-bed buildings are ready for students, many have been seen bathing near the spigot behind Thorne and reading by lamplight on the Quad. “I hope they figure something out soon,” said Perez. “Or at least find a way to change the goddamn channel.”

“Next year?” said President Rose when asked about the new developments scheduled to open at Harpswell. “I think we’ll be done well before then. Probably by Winter Break. And just wait until you see the minimalist, no-walled design we’ll be using. I’ve gotten really into Marie Kondo lately, and I feel walls are a burden on my psyche. The architecture is simply stunning.”