“First-Years! We here at the Bowdoin College Chapter of the Church of Scientology are very delighted to guide you into our community,” President Rose began. “Now that you have affirmed your 1,000,000 year commitment to the Church by signing our matriculation book and sent us your first, but certainly not your last, $70,000 donation, you can be considered bonafide Dianetics trainees! “
Rose, a level 8 Operating Thetan himself, is one of the foremost Dianetics scholars in the world, having studied with L. Ron Hubbard at the UChicago Booth School of Business.
Rose explained to Bowdoin’s newest class of disciples the workings of Scientology’s Bowdoin Chapter. “Each year, we take in over 400 new sources of income—er spiritual income, that is—and you are the richest batch of spirits yet. With our support at Bowdoin, you could be only four metaphysical mind-unlocks away from reaching your next mandatory $70,000 dollar donation to our Church!”
With the signing of the Matriculation Book, all members of the Class of 2023 have pledged to spend the next one million years of their life in service of Xenu, the Director of the Galactic confederacy. Rose also advised students that Xenu responds best in the form of signed checks from their parent’s bank account.
President Rose then went on to answer a few questions posed by eager first years, and we have compiled some of the more noteworthy pieces of advice below:
On choosing a major: “In the spirit of the liberal arts tradition, you do not need to declare a major until sophomore year. And, for yourself, choose something you truly enjoy. But we need economics majors to manage our… spiritual capital.”
On social life at Bowdoin: “Stay away from anyone outside of the Church, especially reporters from the Orient.”
On laundry: “You can launder in a Bank of America acc-, er, in the washing machines provided in your dorm.”
“More tips can be found in L. Ron Hubbard’s book, Dianetics, which is available at the Bowdoin bookstore and in his beautiful mausoleum, Hubbard Hall,” Rose concluded. “Remember that all other books in the store are thought poison and are mostly just there so the IRS doesn’t come after us. Welcome, first-years!”