by Theo Danzig October 4, 2019

JUUL labs was embroiled in controversy this past week, amid claims that its newest pod flavor, Breastmilk, is targeted toward infants. The FDA has sought to ban the breastmilk pods, claiming that their primary consumers are babies. JUUL’s lawyers argue that the breastmilk pods are intended for nicotine users of all ages.

In an exclusive interview with the Harpoon, new JUUL CEO, K.C. Crosthwaite, vehemently denied that JUUL was attempting to get infants to start vaping. “Sure, the tobacco industry may have a long history of subliminal advertising targeting youths, but we’re the good guys! It’s udderly absurd to suggest that the vaping industry would try to profit from nicotine addiction.”

Crosthwaite pointed to a recent ad to demonstrate his claim. In the video, a male twenty-something, dressed in a bonnet and onesie and sitting in a crib is handed a nursing bottle filled with a mysterious liquid. He sucks on the bottle’s nipple and then proceeds to exhale what meteorologists refer to as a “fat cloud.”

For life coach and self-proclaimed “Vape God” Morris Briggs, the ad was proof enough that JUUL’s products are safe and not intended for infants. “If they wanted babies to vape, they would’ve showed a baby vaping, not an adult,” Briggs said in between long hits from an e-cigarette.

Many critics remain unconvinced that JUUL is operating any differently from Big Tobacco. In the words of one concerned parent who remained nameless, “I just don’t see who else these pods could be intended for. Either the producers are into some real kinky shit, or they’re trying to get my baby to vape.”